It's really fucking early.... and i wanna rant.
I hate drama. It's gay.
I hate emotion. It's gay.
I hate dating. It's gay.
There really isn't much I don't hate. It's gay.
Ok...Now to the rant
I start way too much drama and its all because I think I can help everyone but I really can't. I wish I could but I can't. And everyone seems to come to me for advice or help and I guess I help them some what but then I know what everyone thinks about everyone else and everyone asks me what everyone says knowing that I know(srry if that made no sence, It's early) But as soon as I need someone to talk to or advice, there is only about 2 people I can call. WTF! I help all these people but then when it comes down to it they can't be bothered to take a few minutes away from themselves and help a "friend"? I really think sometimes that I have 2 really friends and everyone else uses me to get something they want. Lately it seem to be leaning that way.
My love life has only gone down hill since... then. She called me last night. I was suprised. She wants to hang out again. I am reminded why I really do love her. That's right. I still do love her. Don't think much will change that. And I know that your thinking. "O! You show it real well!" Well, all I have to say to that is FUCK YOU! You have no idea what I think or feel! I wish I could change. Someone brought to my attention the other day that I like to keep my options open. Then I thought, "No I don't!" But now I look back and I really do tend to do that. I think I have security issuses. With women that is. I never think that I am good enough or something. I get jeloues rather easily. I hate that I can't ever trust a girl. I want to so badly but I can never seem to do it. I wanna try again with someone, but I really don't think that she wants to ever be with me again. After everything I put her through, I could understand. But I think I can change. My New Year's Resolution... Don't cheat on a girl...ever again. That's right! A life long resolution. Strange. I have to tell myself to not cheat. And yet I get mad when girls tell me about how guys cheat on them. Would that make me a hipocyrt? (sp?) Why am I worried about spelling? It's not like ne one is gonna read this other than me. I don't even know why I type these things. I think that I hope one day, someone will read these and see that I am really a great person to be around and I'm not a complete loser. Wow. Now I'm being erogant. (sp?) I just reolized that I use all these big words, but I can never spell them. I think it was from when I thought that being smart would make me cool. I don't know.
Well, enough for the pity party. I'm gonna go. BTW, I had all night to think over everything I said in this blog and I mean every bit of it.
~Alex!~
Srry this went on my MySpace first. There are more people on there that this would impact than there are on here. I just want everyone to know what is going on. I need help. Seriously. I'm not talking mental. Emotional. If you think you can help, call me or something. I'm really alone. I won't seem it out there in the world, but I really am.
~Alex!~
P.S. I wish that the "love" thing could apply for 2 people. You know who you are. I put this whole thing on here for you. Your the only one that I know of that reads both of my things. I still love you in that way too. But ignore the getting back together pare. I've taken it as a reality that that won't happen probalbly.
